Well, I FINALLY am cleared to have surgery! My labs have come up
and I am scheduled for surgery on March 5!! I have my pre-op on March
4th, with a final lab, just to make sure that all is still ok, but I am
planning on having surgery... I have felt so much stress with the
experience this time around... I should say anxiety, not entirely
stress.... I have lost about 130 lbs... I should be happy, right? I
don't feel like that right now. I feel like I have failed. I feel like I
should have been a better role model... making better and healthier
choices for my family... Showing that exercise is important.
I
have certainly changed my eating habits, and the foods that I make...
But these are healthy habits I wish that I had instilled in my family
long ago. But there is nothing that I can do no, only to move forward.
I now buy healthy food, cook as cleanly as possible, and exercise. I now encourage my family to work out and eat clean.
I want my kids to see how hard it is, to know how hard I have worked to
get to where I am today. They have had to see me struggle. Now it is
time for them to see me succeed. It is time for them to see a happy
mommy. I happy with myself.. But I know that when I look at myself naked
in the mirror, that this is not how things should look, so I'm taking
matters into my own hands... so to speak. Surgery. Now, surgery is not
for everyone... but NOT having surgery is not an option for me. I have
mentally prepared myself for having scars. It is a trade off really.
Instead of trying to fit into clothes and hid all this skin, I am going
to have scars. I am okay with that. I look at them as battle wounds. Memories of a past life.
There is no escaping the obvious imperfections in my life, in my body.
I am standing on the edge of a supreme sacrifice. I have had surgical
starvation. I will have a butchered body, but a sutured soul. It is a complicated war, but one that I plan to win.
I am trying not to think about anything right now. I have been busy
around my house, crafting, cleaning, sewing, etc... anything not to
think about the next few days. It felt like this time would never come!
I am a little scared, a nervous, and super excited!
I just hope that time passes quickly.
Please continue to join me in my journey.
Peace and love.
