Well, It has been a few weeks now, and my labs are within "normal" range, which is fantastic, but just barely. I need to be on the higher end of the scale, since this is a major surgery. I will be going for another test this week, and IF things go well, I could be in surgery by the following week.. or the very latest, by the end of the month.
This journey has been very trying, to say the least. I have had dreams/nightmares about the doctor telling me that I have gained weight, and he will no longer work on me, or something else going wrong... I have been trying to not think of this, but with not working, and this whole thing being dragged out, it is hard NOT to think about anything... I think what I am trying not to think about is being expressed in my dreams.Which in turn, causes lack of sleep, and fatigue.
I feel like someone has hit the PAUSE button on my life. I can't really do any shopping, because my size will be changing. So going out with girlfriends to the mall is not really enjoyable. I don't really feel like going out with friends right now for fear of gaining any more weight, so dinner or coffee dates are out. I have been spending a lot of time reading, and going to yoga, as well as doing some "nesting" (home improvements). I have been trying to get to working out more, but I hurt my neck a few months back and it has been difficult to run and work out hard. That, in combination with my Iron levels being dangerously low, has making working out nearly impossible. All I have wanted to do was sleep. I feel like now it is even MORE imperative that I work out since I don't have any restriction with my band (my Dr. removed all the fluid for the surgery, but he also did it to help gain more iron in my diet). The last few weeks have been MUCH improved however, since I have been on iron for nearly a month.
In my head, I know that this is for my own safety, but it is beyond frustrating. I can't really look for a new job until this is all behind me, and honestly I should have been a few weeks post-op at this point, but with all that has happened, health-wise, I am not where I wanted to be.
I sometimes wonder if people think my having surgery is a vanity thing, but it really isn't. I DO want to look better in my clothes, but the fact is, I can't do a lot of the things that I would like to... for example, when I do yoga, my belly inhibits me from bending over all the way... when I am running, I have to have wear this tight girdle-thingy, so that my back doesn't hurt too bad afterwards, and there is not as much, "wobbling and jiggling"...When I go to an amusement park, things are a little tighter around the belly area, since it all bunches up when I sit. It is almost like I am wearing an inner tube around my waist, to give you an idea of how it feels. I don't even dare wear a bathing suit without a pair of shorts on, or a sarong.... when I go hiking, it is harder to climb since I have extra skin weight, as well as my belly being in the way... same thing with riding my bike. I feel like I have to ride with my legs open wider to accommodate for my belly...
I feel so self conscience about the damage that I have cause my own body. I just want to be in a place, physically, that will allow me to enjoy all these things. I know that I have done the damage to myself, and now I will have to pay that price. I hope that my kids can see this, and try to make that change before they have to suffer like I have. People tend to judge you from what's on the outside, and not what kind of person you are on the inside... For the last 7 years, I have bought better food, I make most meals at home, and I try to exercise... but I cannot control the choices that my kids make when they are away from home. I just hope that I have set a good enough example for them.
On a positive note, I AM almost to a point where my surgery is nearly
here! I have a bit of anxiety, with a bit of the unknown, like how much
will it hurt, how long will the recovery actually take, what will it
feel like (tightness), will I really be a smaller size, will clothes fit
better, etc, but I know that everything will work out fine. I have been praying about this for a long time, giving all my worries to God... but I am having a hard time not taking the worries back.
Last year was very stressful, but I hope that this year will be better... mentally, physically, and spiritually.
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